I was a Horrible Wife

I always tell people my husband is a saint. He is one of the nicest men you will ever met. I totally lucked out. He puts up with a lot from me.

I came into our marriage with A LOT of baggage. I really mean A LOT. It would drag me down and made me a person I would not like to be around.  I didn’t know how to communicate effectively with another human being much less someone I was going to spend my life with. I couldn’t see my short comings and lucky for me neither did my husband.

Our five year anniversary was December 28, 2015. We went out to a fancy dinner and had a HUGE heart to heart. He looked at me and said “I never once thought about divorcing you.” I was stunned because I had totally thought about divorcing him many times. His love for me is astounding.

When we met I didn’t know who I really was. I had been hurt so bad in the past that I put up walls and didn’t want to let people in. I couldn’t even share me because I had shielded myself from people for so long that I lost myself. I was so scared I would get hurt and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I spent the first year and a half of our marriage pregnant and nursing twin babies. It was insane. If I hadn’t already lost myself by then I would have at that time. I was in a new city, half a days drive from everything I’ve ever known. I was a brand new Navy wife and was clueless about this lifestyle. Then on top of it I was raising FOUR kids which included twin babies. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.

Then I spend the next year and a half drinking heavily and yelling at my husband when I would get drunk. There were nights he would carry me into the house covered in my own vomit. He would listen to me berate him about who knows what. Hurt people hurt people. I hurt him A LOT. Half the time I thought I was too good for him and the other half I thought I was not good enough. It was completely all in my head.

I would spend money on useless stuff just continuously digging us further and further into debt. I would say I would make a better budget then buy something completely obscene when we didn’t have the money. It was like building a sandcastle only to have a wave come in and wash it all away. No matter how hard he tried combat our debt I made it worse. I was an unstoppable force of destruction between emotional drinking and emotional spending I was an emotional tornado.  I came on quickly and demolished everything in my path.

That brought me to my breakdown… August of 2013. We went to my husbands class reunion which ended up being a big ol’ bust. On the way home I said I didn’t want to go home let’s do something. We were invited to hang out with some people from his work. That night I proceeded to drink heavily probably a bottle of vodka on my own, blacked out and vomited all over the place. I was told I was flirting with another man that night. To be honest I don’t remember a damn thing after an hour or so in.

The next morning I woke up on the chair in my living room with no clue how I got there. I was so hung over and still drunk. Jeremy got up and you could see the hurt and frustration on his face. I was so ashamed. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t think I was worthy of the love of that wonderful man. When I got in the shower and I was planning on taking my life.

In a last minute cry for help I told Jeremy I didn’t want to live anymore that he and the kids would be much better off without me. He would find a wife that could treat him right and love him the way he deserves. The kids would have a mom who was not a hot mess and could be a good mom to them. With me out of the way they could have that. I had a plan.

Jeremy looked at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen and said “Meg, I need you to get help. We need you here with us and you can’t go on like this.” I agreed. I was so sick of feeling so depressed and in pain. That’s when we set me up with an appointment to see a counselor. Over the last almost three years I have unloaded some serious baggage.

I am definitely not the perfect wife now. Not even close. In the last 2 1/2 years I have definitely done some not so awesome things.  I still on occasion spend money I shouldn’t or drink a little too much. I’ve said and done stupid things. It’s a learning curve and change doesn’t happen overnight. I am constantly learning on how to be a better wife. I will never be perfect but that’s ok.

My breakdown allowed me to break down those walls I had up and really let my husband in. I told him that’s really when he became a part of me. I finally was able to start figuring out who I really was. I finally felt free to be me and free of the chains of the past that dragged me down for so long.

I am so thankful for that saint of a man because I would not be here writing this today. I most likely wouldn’t be alive. The world would have a little less motivation and I wouldn’t be able to share my story with you all. I might love him just a bit. He is definitely a piece of me.

30 Life Lessons…

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This past weekend I turned 30. Boy have the last 30 years been full of life lessons. Here are 30 I would love to share with you all.

1) Stranger Danger is not the biggest concern it’s often those closest to us that we trust that’s the problem

2) A smile costs nothing at all and sometimes it can change a persons whole day.

3) Every person is unique. Life is not one size fits all.

4) ” I would never” should not be part of anyones vocabulary. We have no idea what we will do until we’re  in a situation.

5) Beauty is truly in the eye of the beholder. Everyone’s opinion of what’s beautiful is very different.

6) Unless we are right there and witnessed something with our own eyes we should never assume we know what actually happened. Word of mouth can be a tricky thing.

7) Mindset is everything. Our thoughts control our actions, our beliefs, and our perceptions.

8) We are only in control of ourselves, our actions, and our reactions not anyone else’s. No one’s in control of ours either.

9) We can choose to see happiness and joy in our lives. Two people can have the same experience, one could find joy and one could find sadness.

10) People are judgmental. Rarely does it actually have anything to do with us. Most of the time it has to do with them, their beliefs, and their perception. Try not to let it get to you.

11) No one is better than anyone else. Everyone has something they are unhappy with.

12) We only have one body to live in. We need to take care of it.

13) Our bodies are capable of amazing feats from growing a person to healing itself. Don’t take that for granted.

14) We need to Be grateful for what we have. We could have a lot more but we could also have a lot less.

15) There is someone out there wishing they could have our life.

16) 9 times out of 10 what other people think of us will not change our lives at all. We need to remember that next time we get worried about what someone thinks.

17) Honesty is the best policy. Lies will eat us alive from the inside out and often they don’t stay secret forever.

18) Be kind. Everyone is fighting a battle we know nothing about.

19) Give without any expectation of receiving something in return. It’s less stressful and feels really good.

20) We will not be everyone’s cup of tea. That’s ok. Don’t hold it against them. Why would we want someone in our lives who don’t like us anyways?

21) There is no such thing as the perfect diet. We are all built differently. What works for one person may not work for another.

22) If we don’t ask the answer is always no. Other People can’t read our minds.

23) Over time we change, grow, and learn. It’s inevitable but it doesn’t have to be a bad thing.

24) We need to take responsibility for our actions. Stop blaming other people. They didn’t force those shots down our throat.

25) If we quit after a bad day, a bad week or a bad month we will be quitting for the rest of our lives.

26) There’s a difference between constructive criticism and being negative. We all need to learn the difference.

27) Our past does not define us. We can always decide to have a different future.

28) Children will learn more from what do than what we say. No more do what I say and not what I do.

29) Being open and honest is the key for any relationship. It can make it or break it.

30) There are good people out there. We have to get the not so good ones out of our lives to make room for the good ones.

What life lessons have you learned?

Belief in Myself

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How much time do you have?

Just Kidding!!!

As far back as I can remember I struggle with the belief in myself. Let’s start with right before I found myself homeless. Yes I was homeless for all of a day before my sister and mom bailed me out. Right before that I was living on welfare, a stay at home mom, no car, no license, and in a very toxic relationship with an addict.

How did I end up in this situation? Because I didn’t believe I could change it. I thought this is my life and this is how it’s always going to be. It wasn’t until one night where I got chairs thrown at my head that a tiny spark of belief ignited. It wasn’t that I could change my situation it was I needed to. That’s where I found myself homeless, jobless, licenseless, with two small children to care for. Super Scary!!!

My lack of belief landed me working at Burger Kind long hours just to make ends meet. Living on welfare and with my sister. I didn’t believe I was worthy of any job better than Burger King. I was a college drop out who had her license revoked because of a DWAI. Why would anyone want to hire me? At least that was my belief.

Fast forward three years to when I found myself bawling in my shower telling my husband now I didn’t want to live anymore. I BELIEVED that he and my children would be better off without me. I believe that I was worthless. Thanks to my self esteem demolishing previous relationship. I was a shell of a person with little belief in myself.

Only two years later I started my Beachbody business which if my belief in myself was shaky before this rocked my world but it also helped cultivate belief. At first I couldn’t believe I could help anyone. Then the more I put myself out there the more people wanted to work with me. It was absolutely mind blowing for a disbeliever like me. My belief started to evolve. It grew… I grew. Life changed.

Lucky for me and for you belief can be learned and cultivated. It may have taken a couple years and a lot of work but my belief in myself is 100 times better. There are a few things that helped me, I hope they will help you too.

  1. I focused on little “wins”. Every positive comment,  Every person I helped was a small win.
  2. I opened up to the world and allowed people into my life. I could see I was worthy.
  3. I surrounded myself with people who believed in me. They lifted me up.
  4. I worked on my positive mindset. Mindset it key!
  5. Finally I asked.. “why can’t I?”. I could.

The answer is You can too! You have to believe. It won’t happen overnight so be patient. Just take it one day at a time, one step at a time. Focus on your little wins and ignite your belief.

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Fearing Judgement

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This is how I look when I fear judgement. That sad, stressed out face so worried about what others are thinking that I don’t even think about myself. I feared being judged as far back as I can remember. In school I feared what the popular girls thought of me. All the way up to most recently I feared what Navy wives would think of me. The people might have changed but the feelings stayed the same.

Of course I have always given the world enough room to judge. They really did too. I was a teen mom, on welfare, in a relationship with an addict, married quickly, had multiple babies daddies, became a network marketer… the list goes on and on. If someone was looking for something to judge me on they had a lot of ammunition. Many took advantage of that. They used my past as a way to tear me apart and make me feel less than.

You hear the stereotype that Navy wives are crazy. Some of them really have some deep issues but so do a lot of other women.  It’s definitely not  just Navy wives or military wives at that. Women can be so cruel. They can judge and scrutinize other women. A lot of that is about them not the person they are judging. We all know it and feel it but how can we not let it control us?

I never knew who I was when I was in a constant Fear of Judgement. I could never be myself or let my light shine. I would drink heavily just to make myself comfortable in group settings only to open myself up for more judgement because of my intoxicated state. I felt suffocated in my own life because I was so worried how people were judging me I couldn’t breathe.  I wasn’t good enough because people were judging me.

I drew every judgmental person to me. It’s like they could sense I was putting on a show. My fear drove me and muted who I really was. I stressed myself out so much by analyzing every situation, conversation, and social media post. I was so afraid of what people thought that I completely lost myself.  People knew and they called me out.

Enter Beachbody coaching. This is where my fear of being judged really took a turn. I made myself get uncomfortable and knew I would never succeed if I continuously held myself back because I feared judgement.  I messaged people inviting them to my accountability groups or to join my team. I got a lot of no’s but a lot of yes’s too. I posted about my fitness journey and my life, getting really raw and honest. It was scary. I made my first video then another and another. The first time I did I thought I was going to cry. Why? Fear of being judged.

What did I realize? People will judge you but like I said it often has nothing to do with you or what you said or did but that person. They are triggered by insecurity, jealousy or fear. Fear of something different or outside themselves. They might be feeling  uncomfortable and have no idea how to deal with that. Stepping outside your comfort zone is a scary place to be.

Is Judgement bad? No. Sometimes judgement is a way for our mind to protect us. You know that gut check? But there is a huge difference between that gut check and judging someone for the clothes they wear. When you start feeling judged ask.. is this me or them? Are they really judging me or am I just feeling insecure? Same goes for when you judge others… Is this me or them? Is something about them making me feel uncomfortable or is my inner critic piping up? Tell your inner critic to pipe down.

I am not completely over the fear of judgement. Sometimes I still feel triggered. When I feel that trigger I ask if I am being my authentic self. If I am being 100% truly me then who gives a f&*k if someone judges me. I don’t want to change. I will draw those people to me who really love and accept me. I’m not everyone’s cup of tea and that’s ok. The same goes for you. Go out there and be you. Let go of the fear and take the leap.