My inner critic convinced me I was headed for divorce court this week. Let’s rewind to Sunday morning last week. I woke up on my couch, with a headache, reeking of acai berry absolute vodka, and knowing that the night before didn’t end well. I had blacked out.
If you aren’t familiar with black out drunk that means you drank too much that you brain literally blacks out everything that happened past a certain point. It just cannot process it into memories due to the alcohol. This is not the first time this has happened to me and it never ends very well.
For many years while I battled my inner demons this was a regular occurrence. Over the last three-ish years I’ve worked so hard at overcoming my inner demons and had been doing quite well up until that point. I knew what my triggers were and knew when I should or should not drink. Saturday night I didn’t listen to any of that.
One of my triggers is feeling uncomfortable. If I am uncomfortable I should not drink. I was attending a party where I wouldn’t know most of the attendees. The people I did know I felt liked my husband better than me. Hello ego. Overall it wasn’t my jam but I knew it was my husbands so I attended.
First mistake… drinking liquor. It never ends well. Second mistake… not listening to my intuition about drinking. That never ends well either. Third mistake… not leaving when my husband did. Fourth mistake… continuing to drinking. Fifth mistake…. well that I don’t remember but was just told about it later.
Black out drunk Megan is an evil b*tch. I don’t say that because my inner critic is mean I say that because it’s the truth. She’s mean to everyone. No one is safe. She taps into your inner fears and critical thinking and says it to your face. This is not one of those drunk people tell the truth moments. Black out drunk Megan talks right out her ass. Think of her as my evil twin. Unfortunately my husband took the brunt of her verbal abuse Saturday night.
When he told me on Sunday what I did/said I was shattered. Not only shattered by what that person inside me did to someone I love but by the anger that laced his words. I thought we were over. So many times in our marriage I hurt him. In the beginning of our marriage I didn’t even have to black out to be mean. I had so much hurt inside that when I drank I let down my walls and it all came pouring out.
Over the years I had done so much work on myself that we haven’t seen that mean person at all. I have embraced my genuinely positive, kind side. That’s truly what I align with. It makes me feel good to be good and do good. I thought I had overcome my inner demons and I had evolved into an amazing person.
I was shattered on Sunday and was every day after. My inner critic is a mean b*tch and she berated me every single day.
she Would Say:
“You f*ck everything up.”
“Why are you such a piece of sh*t?”
“No one wonder no one likes you.”
“Who would want to work with someone who can’t even take care of herself.”
“You are going to destroy everything.”
The words kept swirling around in my mind as I sank deeper and deeper into the dark hole of depression.
By Thursday I felt like a floatie someone had let loose in the ocean. There I was bobbing alone in this vast nothingness with no land in sight. I was a pink floatie btw. My husband and I hadn’t talked. I didn’t know what was going on. My week consisted of watching The Office and doing absolutely nothing. I was going through the motions. Hell I am proud I picked my kids up from school every day because I didn’t want to do anything.
My mental and emotional anguish manifested into physical symptoms late Wednesday night. Not only was I empty inside but now I had a fever and a sore throat. I cleared my schedule again on Thursday which included seeing some of my very close friends. In order to move forward I needed to talk to my husband. I felt like complete sh*t.
So there I laid in bed last night. I asked him to put his phone down so I could talk to him. Then I asked the question that had been bouncing through my mind for five days. “Are we getting a divorce?” My inner critic had been telling me for five days that we were. I was convinced that my marriage was over. My greatest fear was going to come true. I would be left alone, have to go back on welfare, and work a job that sucks the soul out of me just to make ends meet.
It had been a very lonely, terrifying, depressing five days. He very seriously said “No” and of course I said “Are you sure?” to which he responded “Yes I am sure.”. Then for the next hour I cried while I trying desperately to explain how I was feeling and what was going on in me. He also explained what he was feeling and revisited what was coming up for him Saturday night. My inner critic started berating me again about what a horrible person I was so I cried some more.
This morning I woke up and the depression had lifted. There was no more emptiness and I felt human again. I don’t know what the future holds. What I do know is this:
- This experience does not define me as a person
- I am not that evil b*tch
- This does not effect me being a good coach to other women
- I still have a lot of work to do on myself
- This is not the end but a new beginning and a new lesson
- I will only grow stronger, braver, and better
- This shows that honest communication is crucial even though it may hurt
- I will never give up on becoming a better me
If you have made mistakes in your past forgive yourself. You cannot go back and change them. What you can do it focus on building a better future. Take ownership of your life and take the first step toward that future.
If you need support on your journey join us in The Inspired Women Community. Those ladies really helped me make it through the last week. We will help you too.