I was a Horrible Wife

I always tell people my husband is a saint. He is one of the nicest men you will ever met. I totally lucked out. He puts up with a lot from me.

I came into our marriage with A LOT of baggage. I really mean A LOT. It would drag me down and made me a person I would not like to be around.  I didn’t know how to communicate effectively with another human being much less someone I was going to spend my life with. I couldn’t see my short comings and lucky for me neither did my husband.

Our five year anniversary was December 28, 2015. We went out to a fancy dinner and had a HUGE heart to heart. He looked at me and said “I never once thought about divorcing you.” I was stunned because I had totally thought about divorcing him many times. His love for me is astounding.

When we met I didn’t know who I really was. I had been hurt so bad in the past that I put up walls and didn’t want to let people in. I couldn’t even share me because I had shielded myself from people for so long that I lost myself. I was so scared I would get hurt and I was always waiting for the other shoe to drop.

I spent the first year and a half of our marriage pregnant and nursing twin babies. It was insane. If I hadn’t already lost myself by then I would have at that time. I was in a new city, half a days drive from everything I’ve ever known. I was a brand new Navy wife and was clueless about this lifestyle. Then on top of it I was raising FOUR kids which included twin babies. To say I was overwhelmed would be an understatement.

Then I spend the next year and a half drinking heavily and yelling at my husband when I would get drunk. There were nights he would carry me into the house covered in my own vomit. He would listen to me berate him about who knows what. Hurt people hurt people. I hurt him A LOT. Half the time I thought I was too good for him and the other half I thought I was not good enough. It was completely all in my head.

I would spend money on useless stuff just continuously digging us further and further into debt. I would say I would make a better budget then buy something completely obscene when we didn’t have the money. It was like building a sandcastle only to have a wave come in and wash it all away. No matter how hard he tried combat our debt I made it worse. I was an unstoppable force of destruction between emotional drinking and emotional spending I was an emotional tornado.  I came on quickly and demolished everything in my path.

That brought me to my breakdown… August of 2013. We went to my husbands class reunion which ended up being a big ol’ bust. On the way home I said I didn’t want to go home let’s do something. We were invited to hang out with some people from his work. That night I proceeded to drink heavily probably a bottle of vodka on my own, blacked out and vomited all over the place. I was told I was flirting with another man that night. To be honest I don’t remember a damn thing after an hour or so in.

The next morning I woke up on the chair in my living room with no clue how I got there. I was so hung over and still drunk. Jeremy got up and you could see the hurt and frustration on his face. I was so ashamed. I didn’t want to live anymore. I didn’t think I was worthy of the love of that wonderful man. When I got in the shower and I was planning on taking my life.

In a last minute cry for help I told Jeremy I didn’t want to live anymore that he and the kids would be much better off without me. He would find a wife that could treat him right and love him the way he deserves. The kids would have a mom who was not a hot mess and could be a good mom to them. With me out of the way they could have that. I had a plan.

Jeremy looked at me with the saddest eyes I have ever seen and said “Meg, I need you to get help. We need you here with us and you can’t go on like this.” I agreed. I was so sick of feeling so depressed and in pain. That’s when we set me up with an appointment to see a counselor. Over the last almost three years I have unloaded some serious baggage.

I am definitely not the perfect wife now. Not even close. In the last 2 1/2 years I have definitely done some not so awesome things.  I still on occasion spend money I shouldn’t or drink a little too much. I’ve said and done stupid things. It’s a learning curve and change doesn’t happen overnight. I am constantly learning on how to be a better wife. I will never be perfect but that’s ok.

My breakdown allowed me to break down those walls I had up and really let my husband in. I told him that’s really when he became a part of me. I finally was able to start figuring out who I really was. I finally felt free to be me and free of the chains of the past that dragged me down for so long.

I am so thankful for that saint of a man because I would not be here writing this today. I most likely wouldn’t be alive. The world would have a little less motivation and I wouldn’t be able to share my story with you all. I might love him just a bit. He is definitely a piece of me.

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